A Letter to My Old Body and Self

​I miss you, terribly.
 
It will shortly be coming up on a year since I started having all these health problems and began a whole new journey that I wasn’t prepared for and did not expect at all.
 
My #Endometriosis hit me like a train and knocked me off my feet for several months and still restricts me to this day. During those months of being #Undiagnosed, I experienced the worst #ChronicPain of my life with other daily symptoms that would not ease up, no matter how much time, medications, or rest I gave you.

​Nothing was working, no tests or scans showed answers, and soon I found myself experiencing #Anxiety for the first time in my life because we couldn’t find answers on what was going on with me.
 
And while I find myself in such a better place since this all started, I am still so terrified that my health is going to relapse, and I will have to start all over and experience that all once again. Or maybe even more than once throughout my lifetime. It’s a thought that crosses my mind when I’m about to get into my car on my own, when I feel sore after physical therapy, or when my daily pain elevates for unknown reasons.
 
There is nothing I can do to shake this fear that you’re going to take all my progress away from me, even though I know you don’t want to do that and it’s not something I cannot control.
 
I know I shouldn’t live my life in fear, but it’s hard not to when you experience something so out of your control in your own body and mind. I wasn’t me back then when I was hurting so bad, I was a zombie trying my best to survive – I wasn’t a girlfriend, a sister, an aunt, a daughter, a friend or coworker.
 
I was broken, my body broke me, mentally and physically. And I hate admitting that because it makes me feel weak.
 
Now that I am finally reaching a point where I can function daily, I can’t help but think it’s all too good to be true. I know I’m probably never going to get back to feeling how I was before all these health issues and that breaks my heart. It’s a sadness that only others with #ChronicIllness understand. If I knew a way to change my mindset and to forget that painful period of my life, I would, but I cannot let it go because it has also shaped me into who I am today.
 
As painful and hard as it is to think back and reflect on who we used to be and what we loved doing, it's a bittersweet reminder of how far I have come since then. I'm able to function daily now. My mind is clearer than it's been in several months. I'm slowly getting back to driving. I'm rebuilding my sense of wellbeing and worth. I'm finding ways to work around my pain and symptoms, and I feel like I'm alive again – not on Death's doorstep or continuously struggling to make it one more day because tomorrow might be more manageable.
 
Yes, I don't think I will ever be able to forget my experience, but I can move forward with a new mindset of knowing that I'm a survivor. And if for some reason things go wrong in the future, I trust that we will get through it together because we’ve done it before and can do it again.
 
Let’s just hope it won’t ever come to that though. Stay strong – always!